The Plate Stared Back

My Story
It began my freshman year of high school. What started as induced anorexia from appendicitis quickly became an all consuming series of eating disorders that dictated every choice, thought, and action I had.

From a young age I grappled with my body image and frame. The earliest I can remember questioning my weight was when I was ten years old when a friend mentioned that my thighs were larger than hers. What she probably saw as a harmless remark  made me acutely aware of my body stature from that moment onwards. However, it was not until I turned sixteen that real patterns emerged within my eating habits and the disordered behaviors began.

As a freshman in high school I already was going through the biggest transition of my life, yet on top of this I got extremely sick. I was experiencing excruciating abdominal pain causing me to fast, vomit, and ultimately lose 15 pounds. Soon, doctors diagnosed me with Crohn’s disease and appendicitis; Within hours I was sent into surgery where I had my appendix removed and was put into a new lifestyle. After surgery, I began treatment for my Crohn’s and returned to school. Sure enough, school ended up being my “major” trigger. I attended my classes where my friends and peers recognized my weight loss. I received comments like, “your body looks so good” or “Wow, you’re a skinny legend now,” or “How did you lose all that weight so fast?” The people around me had no idea I was sick, and while they saw their comments as mindless or even compliments, they damaged a deeper part of me.

These comments fed into my desire to be validated and initiated months of disordered eating. At first I was only dieting and counting calories; Slowly, this diet evolved into long periods of starvation. I would restrict myself to an apple every 3 days and sometimes would go longer if I felt like I looked “bigger” than usual. Food became my enemy. It controlled every aspect of my mind and made it as though I was trapped within myself. I became shackled to the fear of gaining weight, the fear of being criticized, and deep down the fear of not being completely in control of my body. Starvation was exhausting. My anorexia developed into episodes of binging and purging. I saw this transition as positive and was naive enough to believe I was actually healing. Yet, still every meal was suffocating. I described it to my recovery team as “ the plate staring back.” This idea of the plate gawking at me and judging me was used as a vehicle to rewire my mindset about food and ultimately heal my relationship with it and even myself.

Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are mental illnesses that are characterized by abnormal behaviors regarding food or eating habits relating to thoughts, emotions, or beliefs. They often correlate to one’s preoccupation with food, body weight, body image, shape, etc. The three most common types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder. Anorexia nervosa is distinguished by the act of starvation rooted in the desire to lose weight and progressing to an immense fear of gaining weight. Bulimia nervosa is a cycle of repeated episodes of binge eating alternated with behaviors to compensate: often purging, excessive exercise, fasting, etc. Binge-eating disorder is denoted by sequences of bingeing followed by substantial remorse and guilt. Eating disorders are not caused by the same one event or trigger. Often there are several influences or events that trigger behaviors that cause these poor eating habits. A few influences psychologists have identified that impact eating disorders are family environment, culture, gender, personality, heredity, social media, etc. Peer influence and the “weight-obsessed” culture of current society are two of the most prominent factors today.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Several influences played into my eating disorder; the 3 most impactful however were peer influence, perfectionist standards/personality, and seeking control. These factors acted in tandem leading my perception astray and causing me to form unhealthy beliefs about my body leading to a toxic relationship with food.

Call to Action (Treatment and Prevention)
Eating disorders are treatable. They are difficult to acknowledge and even harder to overcome, however the path to recovery is possible. It took family support and my own self-awareness to make real change in myself. With the help of a therapist I was able to overcome my eating disorder and recover. I had to actively realize I had an issue and readjust my brain to perceive food as fuel. Treatment of eating disorders often includes a mental health professional, nutritionists/dietician, physician, and family. A recovery team is the best form of support for someone trying to recover. With a team you are able to create a treatment plan that gives explicit timelines, goals, and tracks progress of recovery. Eating disorders can be treated but they can also be prevented. These forms of prevention can begin early on by not categorizing food as “good or bad”, disregarding diet culture, avoiding weight norms, and eating intuitively.

Since eating disorders have become so prevalent today, especially among teens, accounts have emerged on social media platforms that support young girls in the recovery process and give them guidance to healing. The balancedtx is an Instagram account I myself follow that provides people with recovery information, options, support groups, resources, and more. With the rising use of social media, it can quickly become a vessel of change for the eating disorder community, and can undoubtedly improve the social standards of weight/beauty
The Plate Smiled Back
My therapist flipped the idea of the “plate staring back” to help me realize that food was not to be feared but enjoyed. She explained to me that my plate was not staring back but smiling. Food is meant to be appreciated and celebrated. It is a connection to community and happiness.

Recovery is a life-long process that is not linear, it continues for a lifetime. Often those recovering from an eating disorder get discouraged by relapses or overwhelmed by the feelings associated with healing, but know that recovery is worth it. My own recovery has been far from perfect, yet I acknowledge that the person I was 4 years ago would be proud of who I have become today.  If I could tell someone in my position anything it would be that food is not an enemy. It keeps you alive. One thing my therapist said that has stuck with me persistently is that no food is as scary as the damage eating disorders are capable of. The plate is not staring at you: enjoy the dessert, eat the whole pizza, go out to dinner; the plate is smiling back.

Works Cited

Staff, Written by Casa Palmera. “8 Ways to Prevent Eating Disorders (plus 5 Recommendations for Parents).” Casa Palmera, 31 Oct. 2019,
https://casapalmera.com/blog/8-ways-to-prevent-eating-disorders/.

Staff, Written by Mayo Clinic. “Eating Disorder Treatment: Know Your Options.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 14 July 2017,
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234.