Measure Up to Yourself – Compare You to You

Sometimes after achieving a goal that you have been working hard towards, much of the pride and sense of accomplishment goes out the window because someone else did something better. Sometimes you are just minding your own business and that person pops in. They share their amazing stories about their amazing friends who all go to amazing parties, leaving you feeling less than amazing. What gives? Why does it feel like someone is always around to one-up you and why do other people’s lives seem so much better?

In 1954 Leon Festinger proposed the Social Comparison Theory: That we evaluate ourselves (abilities, attributes, etc.) in relation to others and this impacts our self-image and sense of well-being. There are three types of social comparison: 1) upward social comparison, comparing yourself to those perceived to be better than you; 2) lateral social comparison, comparing yourself to those perceived to be about equal to you; and 3) downward social comparison, comparing yourself to those perceived to be below you. All three types of social comparison can have a positive or negative impact on your self-image depending on how the comparisons are carried out. For example, upward social comparison may help inspire or motivate you as you strive to be more like, or even better than, your yardstick person. Alternatively, it can make you feel worse about yourself and your abilities. It can serve a self-defeating role rather than a self-building one.

As Theodore Roosevelt famously stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” But, is it really?

Research1 from Cornell University shows that despite most individuals seeing themselves as above average, they believe that most people live better lives than they do. One of the biggest factors in perceiving the quality of someone else’s life is the number of social activities, such as parties, they partake in. Interestingly, participants felt better about themselves when extremely social people weren’t around for this upward comparison.

Comparing yourself to others is a natural thing our brain does, even if we don’t want it to, so don’t be harsh on yourself for doing this. Luckily, as you growolder2 you compare yourself to others less and less. But if you are suffering from the pitfalls of social comparison, what can you do now besides wait for the time to fly by?

1.Change the way you use social media.

Often, we use social media to passively keep tabs on others. The problem is that most people only show their best selves on the internet and don’t mention their failures and shortcomings. While you are experiencing your own problems in living color, you are seeing everyone else’s curated highlight reel of successes and accomplishments. Therefore, it is best to avoid using social media after having a bad day or receiving disappointing news. When you do use social media, use it to meaningfully interact with people by asking them about their stories instead of just watching them. By doing so, you will build better relationships with others, and those can carry into your “offline” life. You will also learn more about how they are not as perfect as the pictures and videos make them seem which make you feel better about yourself too. No one is perfect. After all, we are all just humans. Some hide it better than others.

2.Aim slightly up.

While you may want to be the best in whatever it is you do, you shouldn’t start out by comparing yourself to the best. Instead, aim to be as good as the person slightly above you. Striving for a goal that is attainable and within reach will motivate you. Once you achieve that next level, you can use the boost of morale from that accomplishment to propel yourself to the level of the person slightly above the last one. Aiming too high and setting unrealistic goals for yourself can set you up for defeat. Are you a consistent C student in math even when studying hard? Don’t compare yourself the perfect A student, rather shoot for consistent B’s and work your way up from there.

3.Focus on yourself.

While it is easy and practically automatic to compare yourself to others, do your best to focus on yourself. When trying to measure yourself to someone to evaluate your progress in life, skills, achievement, etc., the best person to compare yourself to is your past self. Ask questions such as: Have I come a long way from where I used to be? Am I putting in more effort now than I was before? Am I as good as I can be, or can I be better? If you are not satisfied with your answers, take some time to reflect and draw up a plan with many little milestones to guide you, aiming for a slightly better version of yourself with each goal and work your way up from there.

4.Recognize and be grateful for what you do have.

No one, despite what it may seem, has a perfect life. Everyone goes through hardships, some more and some less at different time points. You will never know about most of the hardships that others, even those you interact with daily, go through. It is important to appreciate the good you have in your life. You may have friends, family, pets, a living situation, a personal trait or characteristic, an accomplishment, food, health, a job, a mentor, beliefs, or even knowledge that you can appreciate and be grateful for (see Cassidy’s Thrive Thursday blog on Gratitude). Take the time to figure out what you have and it will make you happier with your life. Any increase in your life satisfaction will lessen the negative impacts of social comparison, even if it is just a little bit.

 

Sources

1 Mitchell J. Callan, Hyunji Kim , & William J. Matthews. (2015). Age differences in social comparison tendency and personal relative deprivation. Personality and Individual Differences, 87, 196-199.

2 Deri, S., Davidai, S., & Gilovich, T. (2017). Home alone: Why people believe others’ social lives are richer than their own. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(6), 858-877