Loving Others by Loving Yourself
by Jason Baluja, FAU Senior | Thursday, Feb 20, 2020
Selflessness is a quality that many of us embody to some extent. It is a quality that is held in high regard and we are often told that we should have more of it. Although selflessness is great, sometimes we take it to the point where we neglect ourselves. Honestly, this is not always intentional. Often we justify this by thinking that we are too busy to finish all our to-dos, take care of ourselves, and take care of our friends. So what do we try to do? We (barely) make time for two of those things. When selflessness comes into play, our own needs get left out for the sake of our others. BUT, we must realize that in order to effectively love and care for others we must love and care for ourselves.
If you do not love and take care of yourself, how could you expect to effectively love and take care of anyone else? The short answer is, you can’t. Research has demonstrated that low self-esteem and negative self views can have negative impacts on relationships.1 Self-doubt, and in more serious cases self-hate, can lead you to doubt the actions of compassion towards you from others. It has also been shown that people with low self-esteem under-appreciate and under-value the relationships they have with others.2 These consequences can have subtle, devastating effects on your relationships. Not only can it affect established relationships, but it can also affect future ones as well. Studies show that those with negative views of themselves tend to interact with others who share similar negative views which makes them more likely to accept mistreatment.3 As the research suggests, a lack of self-care and self-love can cause serious issues in your relationships.
Furthermore, when you love yourself and take care of your mental, physical, and emotional needs, it is uplifting to those around you. When you and a friend are both thriving and practicing healthy self-care, it is much easier to support and promote each other. It is never easy to watch a friend struggle, but in moments of need the most effective support you can provide comes at a time where you are also supporting yourself. As a warning, there will be times when the support you can provide is small and that is okay. To be an effective, supportive, and loving friend, you have to take care of yourself and know your limits. Practicing selflessness is a noble thing to do but can become detrimental should we do so without practicing self care.
Here are some things you can do to help you love yourself.
1. Start a journal
College can be and will be very stressful at times. You will have your ups and downs. Unfortunately, it is easier to remember the downs. Try starting a journal where at the end of every day, or maybe even throughout the day on your phone, you write down the good things that happened. Even on the worse days, there is at least one positive thing. Maybe you did better on an exam than you expected or someone helped you with something or the cookie from the dining hall was particularly tasty today. So when things aren't going your way and you think everything is bleak, take a look at the journal and remind yourself that all you need is one good thing.
2. Take a break
As a college student, you are definitely going to be busy. The problem with being super busy is that it is easy to ignore the things we need. That’s why it is important to make sure you set aside time for yourself. This can look different for each person. Maybe time for yourself is a couple hours a week doing something you enjoy (catching up on your show, taking a nap, working out, doing your hobby) or maybe it's taking a small amount of time everyday to do a simple activity (journaling, listening to a podcast, doing a face mask, sitting on a bench for 5 mins, eating a cookie).
3. Exercise
You’re probably going to be spending a lot of time sitting during the school year whether it is in class, studying, or on your own time while doing something involving tv or a monitor. Regular exercise will not only improve your memory and learning, it can boost your self-esteem. Exercising regularly can be a daunting task but starting with a walk around campus, 20 mins of youtube yoga, a run, or 30 mins of weight lifting can be just what you need. Trust me, your GPA and brain will thank you.
References
1 Don, B. P., Girme, Y. U., & Hammond, M. D. (2019). Low Self-Esteem Predicts Indirect Support Seeking and Its Relationship Consequences in Intimate Relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(7), 1028–1041. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167218802837
2 Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2013). Actor and partner effects of self-esteem on relationship satisfaction and the mediating role of secure attachment between the partners. Journal of Research in Personality , 47 (1), 26-35.
3 Wood, J. V., Heimpel, S. A., Manwell, L. A., & Whittington, E. J. (2009). This mood is familiar and I don't deserve to feel better anyway: Mechanisms underlying self-esteem differences in motivation to repair sad moods. Journal of personality and social psychology , 96 (2), 363.