The Haunting Reality of Living with a Narcissist

I grew up with a parental figure who always wanted and needed to be at the center of attention. Any momentous occasion was ruined by either them starting an argument or taking the spotlight away from me to bring attention back to themself. This parent felt as though they were always right, and the world was at fault. Even if you were to try to express your hurt, they would just mock you, and convince you it is your fault for feeling that way. Most importantly, every day was a struggle of not knowing what would set them off. It felt like walking on eggshells. It could have been the tone of your voice or you just laughing. This parental figure, in the later years of my life, was diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. The word “narcissism” has become more of a topic of conversation in our culture. We sometimes say it jokingly to someone admiring themselves in the mirror for longer than usual. 

But what does it mean to be a narcissist? Narcissistic personality disorder is much more profound and darker than what is portrayed in the media. I have lived with someone with this personality disorder. It goes beyond them being infatuated with themselves physically. They completely disregard other people and their feelings, which coincides with their lack of empathy. People with this disorder are very manipulative and crave power and adoration. They expect the people closest to them to achieve perfection, yet they continue to diminish their self-esteem. They feel entitled and that they deserve the best of everything. It is essential to shed light on this issue because the more you know about the disorder, the better equipped you will be if you ever encounter someone in the future. These are some of the red flags someone with narcissistic personality disorder displays.

Signs of a narcissist:

• Lacks empathy
• Grandiose sense of self
• Love bombing in the early stages of a relationship
• Feels as though everyone around them is jealous and envious of them
• They tend to exaggerate their achievements
• Entitled and believe they deserve the best
• Need to be at the center of attention
• Uses others to gain achievements
• Needs to be praised
• Arrogant and envious of others
• Believes the world is jealous of them
• Disregard for rules
• Dismissive of others' feelings
• Gaslighting
• Has dreams of being successful, wealthy, and powerful

One of the most important things to know about this disorder is that there is no cure for it. There is, unfortunately, no changing the narcissists. It is a challenging disorder to diagnose and treat. If you ever encounter a narcissist, it is best to use the “grey-rock method.” To grey rock is to not engage with them and give little to no reactions to their behaviors. Act as indifferent as possible. This gives them less ammunition to use against you. It is vital not to try to argue with a narcissist and try to make them understand your point of view. This can lead to you being more hurt than healed and sometimes questioning your own sanity. 

The two most common phrases associated with narcissism are “love-bombing” and “gaslighting”. Love-bombing is a whirlwind romance straight out of the pages of your favorite romance novel. It is a fantasy; they shower you with affection, attention, flowers, trips, and expensive dinners, all within a few weeks or months. Love-bombing goes beyond normal courtship; how they make you feel seems almost too good to be true. If you sense someone is love-bombing, you must try setting boundaries earlier in the relationship. The majority of people would understand and respect your boundaries. Narcissists would get very upset, mainly because they cannot stand to be rejected. It is important to note that narcissists do not always love-bomb their victims. Another common terminology is gaslighting. When a narcissist gaslights another person, they are trying to invalidate their emotional state, as well as question the other person's reality. If you bring up a situation that hurts your feelings, they may tell you that "you are too sensitive." They can often deflect the blame onto you, no matter the issue. The narcissists will make you question your reality and sanity most of the time. To ultimately keep their thoughts and opinions above anyone else. 

Seeking professional help is beneficial when you are dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. At FAU, there are free counseling and psychological services, known as CAPS. It is essential to prioritize your emotional well-being as well as to set firm boundaries when engaging with a narcissist. Therapy can be a great tool for yourself to help navigate this in a healthy way. Another helpful resource is Dr. Ramani, who is a highly acclaimed clinical psychologist who has dealt a lot with people with narcissistic personality disorder, both personally and professionally. This is an excellent tool for understanding more about this disorder. Dr. Ramani has various YouTube videos and books discussing these topics.