Living With OCD

“You are not your OCD. You are not the thoughts and compulsions that torment you.” – Jeffrey M. Schwartz

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a nightmare. Most people start these off with something uplifting, or some sort of positive story, but there really isn’t one with OCD. There isn’t a way that I could claim some unique beauty in the rituals and debilitating feelings that obstruct my daily life; the “positivity” in having OCD isn’t very positive when it seems to hinge on self-destruction dressed up as a necessity. However, I have found some helpful techniques and resources that get me through those moments.

It is so important to understand that my experience with OCD is unique to me. Everyone with OCD experiences it differently, although our symptoms may overlap with each other. Coupled with my other diagnoses, I can only speak from my own perspective and hope that someone finds this helpful. This also isn’t meant to diagnose anyone, but if you suspect that you or someone you know is experiencing some of the same issues, please go talk to someone!

I was diagnosed with OCD at the end of my Senior year of high school, but that was after years of being misdiagnosed. Any AFAB people, I’m sure, could understand this struggle- getting doctors to really listen and understand you. However, after being diagnosed, I was quickly presented with two distinct challenges: How do I come to terms with this and live a healthy life on my own? Through therapy, I’ve learned how valuable ERP, mindfulness, and accountability are for me.

ERP, or Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments for OCD. It gives people who suffer from the disorder a chance to learn valuable coping skills and crisis management tools that allow them to live a functional and fulfilling life. One of the most valuable things my therapist has ever told me about my OCD is that my idea of “doing it right” is my disorder talking. I always thought I couldn’t meditate effectively because I couldn’t do it right, but what was really happening was my OCD picking out everything “wrong” with what I was doing. Instead of battling those thoughts, I found a way to work with them through therapy. I use a meditation technique that I have several names for: “1-1-1-30”, “lungs, mind, body”, or “mindfulness meditation”. You’ve probably heard of that last one, but it truly does help once you find what works for you. Here’s how I do it:

1. I set three timers for one minute each and place my phone down, only looking at it to silence the alarms as they go off.
2. I spend the first minute breathing with the 4-7-8 technique. I breathe in through my nose for four (4) seconds, hold it in for seven (7) seconds, and let it out through my mouth for eight (8) seconds.
3. I spend the second minute checking in with the emotional and mental feelings that I am having. Are they negative? Positive? What are they about? Are these irrational or self-destructive thoughts? I ask myself these questions to process the feelings I am having without resorting to harmful or distracting compulsions.
4. I spend the last full minute checking in with my physical feelings. Am I tense? Shaking? What can I feel on me? I ask myself these questions to practice grounding myself in the present as I walk through my thoughts.
5. The last thirty (30) seconds I spend “coming back to reality”. I look around, take in my surroundings, and sometimes I do some deep breathing the same way I started. This gently pulls me from meditating to acting thoughtfully towards my struggles.

This simple ritual has helped me immensely when it comes to OCD, but it’s helped me learn to handle my other diagnoses as well. Not only is it useful during the bad times, but it’s also a nice way to practice self-care during the good times as well. Doing this turns it into a natural response and adds an aura of comfort around the practice. I went from only doing it when I was in the middle of a really bad OCD episode, to doing it at least once a day when I feel like it’s a good time to check in with myself and see how I’m doing (usually I’ll do this before bed).

Unfortunately, I can’t end this by saying that I am doing a lot better than I was when I was first diagnosed because I only started this long journey a few months ago. However, I can say for certain that I am learning so many wonderful things that I am capable of through this process. If you, too, struggle with OCD, compulsions, intrusive thoughts, or even if you only suspect you might experience these things, remember one thing: you are not alone in this. Although you feel like no one will ever understand the way you think and feel, you still deserve to have people love and support you through the unknown. Justifying your needs was and is never a requirement to ask for help.

Never give up.