The Disney Universal Ride is No Longer Fun

Dear Diary,
Today was also a no-go. Yet again, it feels like everything in the world weighs heavy on my
shoulders. My joints are tense, it's hard to get motivated to do homework and nothing ever goes
my way. I don’t really understand what’s happening; a few weeks ago, I felt on top of the world.
The sun smiled at me, the flowers waved at me as I walked to school, and they tell me “Have a
wonderful morning, afternoon, and night”. I loved going to softball practice after school. At the
time I thought to myself, “I’ll definitely become a starter by the time of the next tournament.”
When I didn’t have practice, my bestie Rachel and I literally went out every time. There was this
one time where we went to an empty field and played catch, laughing at the silliest things and
making fun of the stupid boys in class that day. I love her so much. These days, however, can't
even compare. During practice, I feel like I just go through the motions of the drills. I think I’ve
also lost my swing; the ball just doesn’t go where I want it to. And Rachel invited me out today
but I just didn’t want to be a burden on her. I’m pretty sure I'm doing the right thing though; I
mean, I don't think I’m any fun these days, anyways. It's better not to drag her down with my
mood. I miss having fun and looking forward to the next day. Where did those days go?

November 20th
Dear Diary,
In class, my science teacher Mrs. Bernon talked about different mental disorders and one that
she went over was Bipolar Disorder. An illness that is characterized by episodes of mania and
depression. An individual gets a rush of motivation and thoughts that nothing is unconquerable
for days, even weeks, but then suddenly it switches to a depressive episode and none of the phenomena that characterized them before can compare to what they are now. It’s pretty
common, affecting 4 in every 100 people in their lifetime. There are two types: Bipolar I & Bipolar II. Bipolar I includes both full mania and major depressive episodes, either one preceding or following the previous episode, while Bipolar II is characterized by the presence or history of a major manic or
depressive episode and when it comes to mania, it is only exhibited mildly, if at all. At times, the
disorder can get so out of hand that individuals are not able to handle their “rollercoaster of
emotions”, feeling that they are helpless and unable to control what should be theirs, their body.
10 to 15 percent end their lives.  As she was talking, I couldn’t help but feel like Mrs. Bernon
was talking straight to me.

November 21st
Dear Diary,
Today after class I asked Mrs. Bernon more about Bipolar Disorder. What’s the biological
mechanism? Is there a way to stay in the mania episode for longer? Due to an unbalance of
chemicals within the neural synapses, they have been linked to the different episodes of bipolar
individuals. An overactivity of norepinephrine (a neurotransmitter that assists in increasing heart
rate and heart pumping) and underactivity of serotonin (another neurotransmitter but this one
assists in behavior and body temperature regulation) leads to manic episodes while the
opposite leads to the other side of bipolar disorder: the depressive episode. So perhaps it is
more accurate to describe this as a dynamic balance rather than an imbalance of neural
chemicals. There has also been research showing that it is not just the chemicals but an
imbalance in ionic transmissions with the neural synapses. As for my question about how to
perhaps stay in the mania episode for longer, Mrs. Bernon explained that while there are
therapeutic methods to relieve bipolar symptoms, a lot of the issue is biological influences.
She also explained that the manic episodes are often not very healthy. Mania also
expresses itself in irritation and anger and many describe bipolar individuals during their
manic episodes as being excessive or overwhelming. There is no need to glorify mental
illnesses. Another large indicator of negative manic episodes is the lack of sleep and no
deterioration of energy. While on the surface this sounds fine, the body requires rest so without
the bodily indicator of the need for sleep, this can interfere with the body’s ability to regulate
itself. I thanked Mrs. Bernon and walked out. I think I’m going to go to a psychologist and get
diagnosed. I feel like I am bipolar according to her explanation but I know better than to
self-diagnose and then act on that assumption. In this way, I can get professional help and really
get down to what I need. I don’t think I am normal right now but I would like to know more about
myself. Before it may or may not be too late.