Cultivating Self-Compassion

by Katie Wheeler | Thursday, Oct 08, 2020
Self-compassion has many positive implications.

Self compassion is not to be confused with self-esteem. In a podcast titled “The Science of Self-Compassion" 1 Kristen Neff, PhD, elaborates on what the difference is, plus how to cultivate self-compassion and it is quite fascinating.

 

Self-esteem can be healthy because it’s associated with confidence in one's abilities, and who doesn’t want to be confident in themselves? But it can also be unhealthy if we pursue it competitively and with a sense of separation from others. 

 

  • Example of unhealthy self-esteem: You believe your college major is harder than your roommates' majors and brag about it frequently while putting your roommates down when they talk about theirs. 

 

To understand self-compassion, we must first understand what compassion means. It comes from the Latin “to suffer with” or “to suffer together”. Regarding compassion of self, this prompts the question “How do I deal with my mistakes and suffering?”. If you’re like I was and sometimes still am, you might beat yourself up with critical self-talk and feelings of disappointment. 

 

In the podcast, Kristen Neff presents the key elements 2 to cultivating a stable, healthy mindset of self compassion:

  • Mindfulness (the foundation)

  • Common humanity

  • Self-kindness

 

MINDFULNESS: 

To be present with and open to what is… The good, the bad and the ugly. Try not to suppress what is or cover it up with toxic positivity. Sit with your feelings, learn from them, and grow from them. 

 

COMMON HUMANITY: 

The realization that everyone is imperfect and experiences struggles. The understanding that you aren’t alone or weird for feeling what you feel.

 

SELF-KINDNESS: 

You know how to be kind to yourself! You do it with others all of the time. Ask yourself “How would I treat my friend if they were in this situation?” or “What would I want the younger version of myself to hear right now?” Give that treatment of kindness to yourself. 

 

  • Example of self-compassion: You bomb a test that you studied hard for. You let yourself feel the emotions that come as a result, understand that there’s nothing wrong with you for not getting a better grade, and remind yourself with loving tenderness that you are not defined by one failure. You know that this is a chance to learn, grow, and be more motivated for the future. 

 

How can we manifest self-compassion in a balanced way? Neff uses  Yin and Yang 3 as examples. When in balance, these energies help us to feel harmonious within. 

 

YIN: 

Passive energy. When experiencing suffering, tap into yin by cultivating the tenderness to hold yourself through it all with loving connectedness. 

 

YANG: 

Active energy. We tap into yang by taking action to alleviate fear and motivate ourselves to keep going even ater failure. This can mean fiercely saying “No” or standing up for ourselves and others. 

 

What are the BENEFITS of practicing self-compassion?

  • Improves our physical health and immune function

  • Makes us mentally stronger, more resilient and motivated

  • Improves relationships and makes us more willing to give to others 

  • Contagious to others, as our brains contain mirror neurons and therefore are designed to feel the emotions of others and mimic their behaviors. Spread the compassion!

 

Often self-criticism 4 gets in the way of self-compassion. The effects are shocking:

  • Increases anxiety

  • Increases exhaustion

  • Causes fear of failure which can make us not even want to attempt reaching our goals

 

With self-compassion, failure is NOT feared because we have the grit to pick ourselves up and try again, knowing that mistakes are normal and do not define us. 

 

Sources:

  1. Neff, K., Dr. (2020, September 22). The Science of Self Compassion [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://goop.com/the-goop-podcast/the-science-of-self-compassion/

 

  1. Neff. (2020, July 9). Definition and Three Elements of Self Compassion | Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

 

  1. Neff. (2018, October 17). Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion. | Kristin Neff. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_women_need_fierce_self_compassion

 

  1. Golden. (2019 January 12). How Self-Criticism Threatens You in Mind and Body. | Bernard Golden. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201901/how-self-criticism-threatens-you-in-mind-and-body

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