Women: From Bossy to Boss

Humans are notorious for walking through life convinced people around them are paying them more attention than they actually are. In fact, social psychologists have gone as far as to note this as the spotlight effect. I, myself, am known for fearing judgment and attention from others. I constantly look around with the internal belief that people are aware of every aspect of who I am . In college, I saw my anxiety around criticism and judgment flow over into the classroom. I went into lectures prepared and capable, yet when it came to participating I hit an internal blockade. I would answer questions in whispers, scared that if I talked normally I would be labeled as a “know it all” or “overly confident.” Every class, thoughts would run through my mind about the responses people would have if I gave my ideas or participated. I soon realized that my habits were not strictly my own but were indicative of a female custom. This was when I began recognizing a pattern in women and their norms when it came to being in positions of power. This blog is a guide on transforming the female expectations of leadership; The guide to going from bossy to boss.

Societal and Internal Expectations

Sheryl Sandberg, in the book Lean In, explains how societal expectations alongside internalized norms have hindered the progress of women in the workplace. She specifically looks at how although society has seen major transformations when it comes to gender equality yet there is still a gap in leadership. Sandberg explains that “Professional ambition is expected of men but is optional– or worse, sometimes even a negative – for women (17).” The lack of support within society toward women and their career driven goals has unintentionally led women to place limits on their success. Often women will avoid climbing up the ladder in the workplace because they know the choices they make when it comes to proving themselves come with potential negative social repercussions. Men often will be more confident in themselves and have higher self-esteem when it comes to ambition and success. From being boys, we see overconfidence in the interactions between male students and teachers. Boys often commit something known as the male answer syndrome which entails an overeagerness to answer questions with the belief they are correct regardless of their lack of knowledge or the potential for being incorrect. The social precedent for men is set at a young age, embedding the impulse to “take charge.”

Women, on the other hand, have learned through social cues and standards what their behaviors are to look like. Girls are expected to listen and answer questions respectfully. Women are not meant to speak up or out on topics and are often censored by authority figures. Sandberg explains that “We [women] consistently underestimate ourselves (29).” The societal cues that have been brought up to women form unconscious barriers forcing many women to believe that their performance is worse than it is. Many women then go through life seeing themselves with the constant belief they are heading toward failure. We collectively have formed a self-doubt that holds us back from going after certain achievements. Women are overly insecure. Our potential to lead will be fulfilled when we overcome the self-schemas built on social “rules”, underestimation, and self-doubt. Our power lies in recognizing that there is a distinction between being bossy and being a boss.

How to Overcome…

Sandberg put it in the simplest terms: “All a woman has to do is ignore society’s expectations, be ambitious, sit at the table, and work hard (39).” The key to going from bossy to boss is recognizing that women and men are inherently different when it comes to their internal beliefs and external expectations. Rather than trying to change the expectation, women must simply disregard them. When it comes to being accepted and respected in the workplace women must portray themselves as understanding and empathetic. In straightforward terms, women leaders, more so than men leaders, may need to give orders nicely to avoid pushback. If men see you as acting in favor of a team they are more likely to take you seriously. Sandberg says “Think personally, act communally (47).” When women are leaders they are often punished for making decisions with individual goals in mind but are applauded when they are negotiating for a group. In a work environment women must lead as if they are taking care of a team rather than controlling a team. If they create an identity centered in concern and establish a label of being “appropriately female (47),” they receive more positive responses from their colleagues. The main goal here is to act like a woman and think like they are the man in the room.

Our sense of “self” is built on self-concept, self-esteem, self-knowledge, and our social self. The biggest contribution to the concept of “the self” is the roles we play. Our roles are reliant on our ability to fake it till we become it. For women, success starts when we master the art of faking confidence we may not initially feel. Power in this case comes when our sense of faking it transitions into becoming it. We need to tell ourselves that leading does not make us bossy but rather makes us the boss.

Bossy to Boss

I myself am self-deprecating. My instinct when it comes to my self-concept is underestimating what I am capable of and allowing fears to control my potential to be successful. The label of bossy is used to degrade a female's assertiveness. To overcome the grip that “bossy” has on the female interpretation of leadership, women must learn a new set of norms. The steps to going from bossy to boss are simple: ignore society, fake confidence until you feel it, and know you can be successful.

Works Cited

Sandberg, S.., & Scovell, N. (2019). Lean in: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. Alfred A. Knopf.