A Balancing Act

High school was a whirlwind.  I spent all four years constantly in and out of treatment centers for my eating disorder.  When I was in school, all I could think about was getting straight A’s and doing everything perfectly.  I “didn’t have time” to take care of my physical and mental health.  This all-or-nothing mindset would very quickly lead me back to my unhealthy behaviors.  I couldn’t stay out of treatment for more than a few months before I would be sent back again.  At the rate I was going, I didn’t think I would make it to graduation, let alone go off to college.  But I got out of treatment just in time to walk across that stage and the following fall I moved into my dorm.

College was my next chapter.  I was going to leave my old life behind.  My eating disorder and perfectionism were going to stay in high school.  But, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way, because, as they say, wherever you go, you take yourself with you.  As school work piled up and life got overwhelming, I found myself taking less and less care of myself.  I started making excuses.  “I can’t eat dinner, I have to finish this paper.”  “I have class at noon, so I’ll just skip lunch.”  We live in a society where over-productivity is used as a measure of strength.  We’re all running, running, running, trying to get to the finish line first.  But, eventually you’re going to get tired.

I got tired and my excuses eventually caught up with me.  This cycle was literally killing me.  So now, instead of constantly running, I’m learning rest.  Sometimes, I walk and sometimes, I just sit and do nothing, and that’s okay.  I’m trying to leave behind this black/white thinking and live in the grey, to be flexible, to balance.  I’m realizing that I am much more effective in my school work, my job, and my relationships when I take care of myself first.

As the end of the semester is creeping up on us, my hope for you is that you can give yourself permission to take breaks.  I find that sometimes I even have to schedule in time for self-care because it’s so easy for me to get caught up in the chaos. You cannot pour from an empty cup.  Your body, your brain, and your soul need and deserve nourishment—in whatever way that may be.  Take a 20 minute nap, eat your favorite snack, laugh with your friends, find some way to fill your cup.  I know it may not seem like it, but your mental and physical health are so much more important than how you do on a test.  You are your number one priority.