Building Meaningful Relationships with Grandchildren on the Autism Spectrum: A Guide for Grandparents
by Dr. Susanna Launder | Monday, Jun 18, 2018
An Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis can rock a family straight to its core. Parents, siblings, and extended family members, including grandparents, may all feel the weight of this diagnosis in a number of different ways. Many people work through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately resignation. Grandparents of individuals with ASD are no different. In this article, we will provide strategies that grandparents can use to build meaningful relationships and lasting memories with their grandchild.
Building meaningful relationships with grandchildren can be a challenge for any family. Generational gaps, distance, and time constraints often create roadblocks that can seem insurmountable. How can families get past those roadblocks, as well as an ASD diagnosis? Luckily, there are some relatively easy steps that can be taken to start the process with little effort
Maintain realistic expectations. Individuals with ASD have marked difficulties with social communication, restricted interests and repetitive behaviors. These characteristics can make participating in a variety of activities a challenge and can lend themselves to a great deal of frustration for both the individual with ASD and his/her family members. Maintaining expectations that take into account the difficulties associated with ASD can help to reduce that frustration and, in turn, may create more positive experiences for everyone involved. For example, expecting an individual with ASD to fully understand and respond to sarcasm and other nuances of social communication may be unrealistic. Instead, focus on conversational exchanges that are more factual in nature and address a topic that is of high interest to your grandchild.
Establish a predicable routine. Individuals with ASD are often routine-driven. They thrive with predictable routines and schedules across settings. There is a great deal of comfort in knowing exactly what is coming and when it is arriving. Designating time each week or month can establish a predictable routine for your grandchild but also give you, as their grandparent, time to better learn their interests, routines, and behaviors. This time does not have to be filled with expensive outings. For example, “Grandma and Me,” or “Grandpa and Me” time can include a trip to a local park or library, a walk around the neighborhood or time spent just playing at home. For grandparents that may not live close to their grandchild, establishing a weekly phone or video conference call (like Skype or FaceTime) chat can go a long way! The important thing is to be as consistent as possible.
Embrace the grandchild you have, not the one you had hoped for. We are all guilty of dreaming about what our children, or in this case grandchildren, will be like. We plan trips, birthday parties, and sporting events in our heads long before the addition to our family has arrived. We anxiously await the day when our dreams will be translated into reality and imprinted in our hearts as fond memories. Having a grandchild with ASD does not mean that your dreams are never going to happen. It simply means that they may need to be altered ever so slightly.
Follow your grandchild’s lead. Planning trips and birthday parties based on your grandchild’s interests, or replacing loud sporting events for a trip to the zoo can provide you the opportunity to, not only build a meaningful relationship with your grandchild, but also create those fond memories we all hope for.
Arm yourself with quality information. The incidence of ASD has risen dramatically in recent years; with this increase, there has also been a rise in the number of websites, blogs, chat boards and other groups claiming to have the answers to all your questions about ASD. While some of these resources may contain scientifically valid, evidence based information and strategies that work, others are simply a platform for people to share their frustrations. Be cautious of what you read online. Instead, volunteer to attend therapy sessions with your grandchild, attend IEP meetings if your grandchild is school-aged, volunteer in their classroom at school, and/or maintain open lines of communication with your adult child.
Building a meaningful relationship with a grandchild can be a challenge for any family, especially those of individuals with ASD. Maintaining realistic expectations, establishing predictable routines, embracing the grandchild you have, following your grandchild’s lead and arming yourself with quality information are all steps in the path to not only building meaningful relationships, but also creating memories that will last a lifetime.